January 2012
2 posts
I wanted to talk to you today, and hug you. I was going to call you after class. I want to share a bed with you and hang out and talk about everything and fucking laugh and laugh and make fun of each other and fall asleep just before the sun’s up and go back to three years ago in that moment and stay there forever and ever and stop you from dying. I love you.
December 2011
8 posts
I eat at places where we used to go and choose the seats where we used to sit and try to connect with something that I know can’t ever be sitting across from me.
read over our texts from the last year.
hardest thing i’ve ever done
i miss you like i never imagined i could miss anyone
i lost my brother
it’s really fucking hard
i can’t believe.
i can’t believe i’ll never meet anyone like you again
i can’t believe you’re gone
but i have to
but i just don’t want to
I wrote this once.
Her mind appeared perpetually youthdrunk, and he was always longing for the serum (or poison) that took her there. Her incorrigible optimism and naive bravery within eyeshot of the overwhelming-everything made him weak in knees and spirit, sometimes leaving him nearly in-tears and shattered form. And other times, well, those other times he led the way, cutting away at the...
It’s pouring anxiety outside; the wipers struggle to sling it off the windshield so I might see clearly for a second before the next touchdown. My tires rip through small puddles of motor-oil and loss, so I hydroplane something emotional but quickly regain control, just to lose it again as I enter a turn too fast thinking it’ll be alright. I’ll roll down the window because...
Listened to Holocene and Towers back to back for the first time since losing Mike; instant breakdown moment. I hope these don’t go away.
Some days are harder than other days, and some days are even worse, and then some don’t even need to be called days; just seconds smashing minutes into hours, pushing up the sun then pulling it down. Days that are preceded maybe by a dream of a friend you’ve brought back to life, a friend who tells you “I was just fucking around, just playing a joke” and you all laugh at...
November 2011
6 posts
Can’t walk outside without a thin layer of baby-water coating the jacket or little bits of smoky wood settling in the nose or stepping onto/into a small pile of great, fallen leaves, fading yellows and reds, trading for browns and browns. Emulate a cigarette with two empty fingers side-by-side, drag deep from the empty gap that forms at the second knuckle to let out a plume; hot against...
It’s been a month since we really spoke, and it will be forever until we do again. The last three times I saw you were in ICU’s. I woke you up by giving you a kiss the last time, and the smile on your face was beyond my comprehension. You were alive, and I was there and you recognized it all. We got frozen yogurt, you knew it’d be the last time your were in a hospital - you even...
Headlights are brief lines, slowed to blur
White washes the vision, lashes quiver
My liver is fighting my kidney
And my stomach can’t sit still
I’m driving too slow and I know it
But can’t fucking care.
I’m just tired.
The dishes are dirty, crusty, cold
His breath precedes him as he slams the doors,
The fresh stench of alcohol and bar peanuts.
Fluid in taking off his belt with a quick two-wrap around his fist
Fluid in closing my eyes and leaving
It bites hard at first;
Each one takes me further
Into a forest.
Trees protect, dew drips
Not blood.
October 2011
1 post
Your shadow at the mouth of our cave
Swallows mine and my riches and my precious
Stones.
It closes in so I close my eyes.
Open them to find
For all our efforts
And all our loss
And all the callous and grandiosity
And dreams of power, of wealth or freedom,
We forgot so simply together
To pack a canteen of water.
September 2011
3 posts
I’d been walking for something between an hour and a day, eating fig cookies and drinking red wine from an aluminum water container. All around the city I’d walked, but I liked it most near the quiet factory where there was a collection of three benches. They looked as if they’d fallen out a poorly packed bag, two facing towards one another and the third off at an awkward angle....
June 2011
3 posts
He stabbed at a plateful of mixed field greens, unadorned by dressings, his entire line-of-site icebergs, endives, and arugulas. This and a halfbottle of champagne was dinner tonight, and he was just carving his way through the explosively bland spring mix to get to the comparatively stellar room-temperature sparkling wine. He didn’t cry, not at all during the meal, but as he gulped down ounces...
An Open Letter to the Occupant of Unit C3
Our walls are thin as cellophane, and almost as translucent it seems. It’d be an understatement to say things have been rough for you, at least the way I understand it. I was there when you earned your raise, in a way, because I heard the celebration of about four or five bouncy, booming voices filling every corner of your apartment, spilling into mine. I heard you say you needed it so terribly in...
May 2011
4 posts
Oaky astringent smoke,
Coursing invisible waves,
Finding relative wisps,
Taking solace in our clothes.
Stagnant,
Making permanent its mark in memory.
The discomfort of sitting in a room all but silent, save for the depressing “huh-huh-huh”s of a defeated septuagenarian huddled under her sweater is rivaled only by the uncertainty of my thoughts at this exact moment. I can’t look at her, because she’s given up. I can’t look at her, because, as a woman of God, she’s damned his name. But what did I do to deserve...
April 2011
5 posts
The table that separates us finds itself depressingly littered with little inspirational “Keep Hanging On”s and “Only you can change you” etchings on kitschy fogged glass, a box of single-ply, buck-fifty tissues, and a jug of water that just looks room temperature. I’m taking in each little piece for five minutes, when she clears her throat, unassumingly but with an obvious...
There’s never been a time I’ve felt more alone than when I smoked a cigarette over a black-hot coffee in an empty parking lot of a Mexican restaurant. Of itself, the event wasn’t all that out of the ordinary, but thinking about it, everything about the day was. I usually drink my coffee black, but that cup had something missing - couldn’t tell you what. And I didn’t...
Meatless arms dangle with a distinct lack of purpose, eyes so deep-set one needn’t ask how you slept last night - one knows you didn’t. Remember 13 hours ago you said it’s time for sleep? And then again, 11 and a half ago? Then do you remember forgetting what you were doing in bed when the flood came? When mom dies, what’ll I do? Could I really fend off the burglar when he...
March 2011
1 post
February 2011
2 posts
January 2011
2 posts
December 2010
3 posts
November 2010
6 posts
You’re so beautiful and underweight, under her breath looking through her own reflection; a gaunt reflection, even for a reflection. It stood there, looking back, in a thin red bra and low hanging faded bluejeans with the top button splayed. Delicately, without any purpose at all, left shoulder strap and elastic clasp undone, the reflection let the bra fall to the floor, as two breasts held...
I could think of worse things to do tonight than eat cold pizza, drink a few glasses of red wine, and read Benioff, but I won’t waste my time.
I haven’t been awake for a year and some days now. You’d think sleeping through four seasons would be refreshing, but let me tell you, it’s the most draining, non-human thing I’ve experienced. Some days are good, like, the kind of sleep where you wake up at 7:43 with a start, suddenly realize it’s early Sunday morning, and blissfully turn on your side, rapt and...
October 2010
3 posts
aaronwill: I'm really sorry for you →
aaronwill:
@johnyadollahi:
Well first let me thank you for your gracious thoughts, but I respectfully submit that you argue from a false premiss. Micro evolution observes adaptation and changes within a species…This is proof enough of the glory of God; how within a species there can be changes to help it adapt or survive, but there in 0 scientific evidence of macro evolution which tries to...
aaronwill: I'm really sorry for you →
aaronwill:
I’m really sorry for those of you who went to public school, its psychologically draining. How can you repetitively be told that you are “star stuff” that you are an accident, nothing more than a cosmic mishap of cloud collisions somehow forming a perfect living condition for life. If the moon was…
This is…incorrect. Evolution merely aims to explain how species develop...
September 2010
1 post
I had decided, after the last afternoon class that I would head to the top of the parking structure, where there’s a tiny little ledge, designed clearly for me to comfortably perch, and read a bit of my current novel, and download firmly the previous hours’ material.
Swiftly as the wind blew through my hair, so took with it my plans. Instead I found myself lighting up a cigarette from my...